if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
