i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
