I met the friendliest cop last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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