My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
