The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
