Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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