Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
