Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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