the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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