I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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