You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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