watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
