YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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