update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
