He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
