I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
