Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
