He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
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You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
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Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.