you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
