On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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