Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
