So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
