and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
