my sisters under your porch take her home
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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