Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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