Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
BRING THE BAGELS
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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