Swine flu. Run for my life!
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
