I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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