Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
