You smell like stripper and shame
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
