I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
