you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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