I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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