Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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