I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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