I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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