Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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