It's Friday. Sex?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
