remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
