I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We're too hungover to prance.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
