Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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