i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
