then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize