I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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