For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
