The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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