i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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