I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
