My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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