so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
