TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
