When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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