I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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