I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
