So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
