I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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